A Bad Doctor
A man walked into a doctor's examining room."Put out your tongue," the doctor said.
The man put out his tongue and the doctor said.
"O.K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "It's clear what's wrong with you. You need more exercise."
"But, doctor," the man said. "I don't think--"
"Don't tell I me what you think, " the doctor said "I am the doctor, not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day."
"Doctor, you don't understand," the patient said "I -- "
"I don't want to hear any excuses," the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't, you will get fat and have health problems1 when you are older."
"But I walk every day," the patient said.
"Oh, yes, and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house, a few more feet from the station to your office, and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "
"Please listen to me, doctor!" the patient shouted, getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.
"I'm a mailman," the patient went on, "and I walk for seven hours every day."
For a moment the doctor was silent, then he said quietly, "Put your tongue out again, will you?"
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This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that’s been hanging around for over a week.He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he’s been dying to try it out on his first patient.He says to the guy “not only will this thing tell you what’s wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top."The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray.
The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, “you have tennis elbow”. The guy says, “that doesn’t make sense. I don’t even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me…”At this point the doc interrupts and says, “nonsense, this device doesn’t lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don’t forget to bring another urine sample with you.”The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit.He then has an idea.Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it.He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution.Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
“There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!”Next morning he hands the doc the jar.Doc pours the contents into the machine.This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: “Your wife’s pregnant, your daughter’s fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don’t quit spanking your monkey you’ll never get rid of this tennis elbow!”
Two Pieces of Cake
Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?
Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
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