How to talk to guys/girls
Talking to guys or girls, people that we like and may be interested in can be weird and scary. You may feel silly or embarrassed about approaching them and worry that you're going to do or say something that will make them laugh at you or not like you. It can be hard having a simple conversation with a girl or guy with all of these pressures and worries going around in your head—so just relax, take a breath ask yourself: what's the worst that could happen? It's probably nothing that the rest of us haven't been through too! It can help to remember that all girls and guys are probably just as nervous as we are—some just hide it better.
It can help to find out stuff about the guy or girl you want to talk to—like who they hang out with, what they like etc. but eventually you will just have to go up to them and start a conversation. Try talking to them in a group of people, so that it's not just you and them, so that the focus isn't just on you and what you have to say. You could get to know them and know if you like them by listening to what they have to say in conversations with a group of people. It's always good to find common interests and opinions—talking about stuff that both of you are into is a really good place to start.
How do I start up a conversation?
Conversing and talking with others is something we all do every day—we talk to friends, family, teachers etc. However, when you are asking questions like, "Where do I start?" and, "What should I say?" it probably means that the situation is different than talking to your friends—this time talking feels different, difficult and awkward. Questions like, "What should I say?" and "Where do I start?" can come up when we feel a bit out of our comfort zone. It may be when we are first meeting someone, going to a new school, joining a new group, or when we really feel it is important to make a good impression. It also comes up when we are thinking about guys/girls and looking at getting into new relationships. We can often feel like our normal ways of communicating may not be ok in this situation.
In these situations, there probably are some self doubts that may not be so obvious in our other relationships.
Starting new things that you don't know how to do can make you feel scared or anxious. If you can think about some things that make you feel scared, nervous or weird and how you cope with these it may give you some clues as to how to respond to the fear you are feeling trying to get a conversation going. You may have done some public speaking stuff, been in competitive sport, moved to a new school etc., how did you get to know people in other situations and how can you use some of this stuff this time in this situation? If this is the first new thing you have faced you may like to think about how you would like someone you are just meeting to talk to you and role-play it a bit in your head, in front of the mirror or with a close friend and see what you and they think of your approach and style. They say the more we do stuff the better we get at it. Talking to girls or guys is a bit like learning to drive; we can't really get good at it without doing it. Practice makes perfect!
Another way to work through what is scaring you is to think about what fantasy or disaster you are imagining.
Is it likely to happen that way or are you adding pain to your situation that doesn't need to be there? Are you imagining that the worst, most horrible thing will happen when actually, it will probably be fine? Do you think you will say something that will make you look foolish? Or maybe you have a dream or fantasy that is a bit over the top—if you've never talked to that guy or girl, you're probably not going to end up married by the end of your first conversation!
Do you want to really impress this other person? It may be worth thinking about what things impress you about your friends and what qualities you like in others and see if you can develop these qualities in yourself. Liking and being confident in yourself can be very attractive and will make it easier to start conversations with guys/girls - when you feel good about yourself you often worry less about needing to impress others. Think about where in your life you get feelings of not being good enough or worrying about what other people think of you—if you can work out what stops you feeling comfortable in yourself and get rid of these thoughts, ideas or attitudes, you can feel more free to just be yourself and have a go.
How do I know if they like me?
The only way you can know for sure is to ask them, or maybe ask their friends—as long as you make sure they're not going to tell (although sometimes that can be a good thing too). But if you're not quite up to asking, there's other ways to tell if someone might be interested in you. Body language and eye contact—if someone looks at you a lot, looks into your eyes when they are talking to you and if someone stands close to you or is physically affectionate, these are often good indicators that a guy or girl is interested in getting to know you better. But usually your instincts can be pretty good—if you think that they are interested in you, and you have some evidence, ie. they've been looking at you, smiling at you, hanging around the places you hang around etc. then there's probably something worth checking out.
So don't freak out! Just go over and start a conversation with them. Really, they might have just been waiting for ages for you to come over and chat, and you'll make a new friend, or more. And if they're not that into you, maybe it just wasn't meant to be and your guy or girl is still out there, trying to work up the courage to come over and say hi.
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