To Heal a Broken Heart

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EGG IS BROKEN. HEART IS TOO. :: 蛋碎了，心也一样

Along with breaking up comes the loss of a relationship with your ex, some mutual friends, and your ex’s family. But the loss doesn’t end there. You might lose your home, your perceived social status, and whatever future you imagined you might have had with your ex. Just like with any loss, you need to give yourself the time and space to grieve what is no more. Now, this is easier said than done. The natural reaction is to avoid this, because it seems too painful to face reality. But avoiding this part of the process can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, suppressed immune system, physical manifestations, such as body tension, despair, and obsessive thoughts, and yes, the inability to move on. Though it can be physically and emotionally unpleasant at times, grieving gives you a greater sense of being in control and feeling empowered. You do not want to enter your next relationship guarded, making negative predictions, and pushing your partner away by pleading “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” like the Backstreet Boys. Grieving is a necessary part of the healing process and the path to getting unstuck and moving on in a healthy way.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief are one of the most popular ways to frame the grieving process. Though everyone experiences grief uniquely, I have found it to be a helpful guide in working with my grieving clients. The five stages are denial (inability to accept reality), anger (physical tension, frustration, resentment), bargaining (magical thinking, pleading to God), depression (sadness, emptiness, guilt, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, hopelessness), and acceptance.

While moving through these stages, be curious about your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and physical sensations. Take time to be aware of what you are experiencing, and practice letting things be as they are, without trying to control or change them. Do your best to notice when you are being judgmental of your thoughts or feelings and try to have compassion for yourself. Grieving is difficult. Be kind to yourself and understand that it will take some time.

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Become Anti-Social (Media)

A breakup is a special kind of loss with the additional complication of your ex still being present. With social media making your ex accessible at the touch of a finger, it is important for you to understand that there is a thin line between ex-lover and internet stalker. Nothing good can come from looking at your ex’s Instagram stories or Facebook timeline. When it comes to social media, just say no.

Try Mindfulness

To manage the unpleasant sensations, thoughts, and feelings, try practicing deep breathing, body scans, meditation, and other mindful activities. Allowing things to flow freely, without trying to control, stop, avoid, or manipulate them, will make them less powerful, loosens their grip on you, and gives you the confidence and skill you need to act in the face of them. Give yourself the chance to unleash your inner Glinda the Good Witch and tell them, “You have no power here! Begone.”

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Date Yourself

The broken-hearted often struggle with remembering who they were before their recent breakup. They see themselves in the context of the relationship and forget that they were once fully functional, interesting, and even desirable people when they were single. Your relationship should not have defined you then, and it certainly should not now. This is why I encourage you to rediscover yourself by dating yourself: “Dating yourself is a way for you to become more mindful of how you are feeling, what is going on in your mind and why you might behave in a certain way.” It also helps you get in touch with what your needs and wants are. Here are the steps:

Step 1: Set time aside to date yourself by scheduling it in. Make yourself a priority.

Step 2: Decide what you are going to do with that time. 
Make sure it is something you want to do!

Step 3: Engage in dating prep. Why should you only spend time getting all dolled up for 
someone else? 


Step 4: Go on the date with mindful presence . . . Be open to the experience, and enjoy the moment.

To learn more about how to date yourself, check out my dating guide, Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection.

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In addition to the tried and true methods of being with loved ones,
engaging in some good old-fashioned self-care, and singing “I Will Survive” at the top of your lungs,
the above tips should help you mend your broken heart.
Remember that everyone has had their heart broken at one time or another,
and give yourself the space, time, and compassion that you deserve.


除了與親人一起嘗試和真實的方法，進行一些良好的老式自我護理，並在你的肺部唱“我將生存”，
上述提示應該幫助你修復你的傷心。 請記住，每個人都曾經心碎，
並給自己留下你應得的空間，時間和同情心。

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