They are all so important

forver

It sounds like your first time was a bit of a disaster but don't let that put you off sex forever. The only mistake is not to learn from your mistakes! So what this experience has taught you is some very important lessons about sex, and I'm not even going to put them in a specific order because they are all so important!

One is that you have to be aroused, aka turned on, to get wet. Another is you need to be turned on, and wet, to enjoy intercourse. I don't like to use the word "sex" to mean "intercourse" because sex is so much more than intercourse!

Sex includes kissing, touching, cuddling, stroking, caressing, licking, sucking and whatever else you might like to do to each other, for each other's pleasure. These are what could turn you on which might - I emphasise might - make you wet enough for intercourse.

Plenty of women use added lube, especially with condoms, because without enough wetness, intercourse is not pleasurable, it's uncomfortable or downright painful! And if you're not wet enough and use a condom, the condom will break leading to whole lot of other issues such as pregnancy or infections.

Another thing is that if your mind isn't in the right place that can stop you getting wet. You said you were over thinking and faking pleasure. As well as doing it with an old friend. Is their chemistry or sexual feelings between you two? These things are not going to help you get really turned on. To get turned on, you need to be in the moment, focused on what's going on in your body (not your head) and able to enjoy the sensations.

For most people, this means they feel safe - that is they trust their partner, they know they won't pressure them, they know they can stop at any time, they don't feel like they have to fake anything, and they can ask their partner for what they want.

So to enjoy sex it really helps if you know what you like sexually - what turns you on! For most women getting really turned on requires some parts of their body to be touched that are not inside their vagina, notably their clitoris (among other areas more far away!). So why don't you do a bit of exploring around your body including your genitals and find out where and how you like to be touched.

When you know this you can give this information to your future lovers, who can use it to give you a great time. It doesn't mean you have to give them a list of instructions, but you can guide your lover's hand to a better place if it's fumbling around, or ask him or her to change pressure or speed or whatever it is that will help you get turned on.

This all requires trust, and confidence, and communication skills. Sexual pleasure is partly your own responsibility because everyone is different and only you are the expert of your own body.

Sex can be great but as you've learned it can also be pretty awful! So consider all the things that will help it to be great and trust that these can happen to you in the future. Allow yourself to get to know and trust someone before you have sex with them and make sure you feel safe being honest and open with them. If it feels weird or uncomfortable slow things down and talk about your feelings.