With open arms

ponger

With open arms

Okay so I'm 14 years old and I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian.


Growing up, I never thought about girls in that way because you weren't supposed to; girls are supposed to like guys.


I have one memory from when I was in 3rd grade from when my best guy friend tried to kiss me. I absolutely freaked out. I couldn't do it.


I always thought I was straight, until 7th grade when I met this girl. I can't quite explain what I felt, but it was this desperate need for her to like me. I had to be near her, and in my mind she was perfect.


Then came 8th grade, me still thinking I was straight. I even had a crush on a guy, but thinking back now the thought of actually kissing him grosses me out. I thought about that boy 24/7. That pretty much confirmed that I was straight in my eyes, but when talking to him I never tried flirting or anything. I felt like a friend, like I do around all guys.


This year I entered 9th grade. I found myself desperate to find a guy to like, so I could be normal. Problem was i would be walking down the hallway thinking why can't guys be as pretty as girls?


About halfway through the year I fell hard for this other girl who was on the softball team with me. Problem was, she was a senior and I was a freshman. She was almost always on my mind. I found myself talking to her the same way I did in 7th grade. I wanted her to care about me. Whenever I played I was always trying to impress her. It hurt so much because I knew she was a lesbian, but I knew we would never work out.


I felt like I had to keep this deep dark secret from everyone. That I was different and that wasn't good. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward around me. I found myself looking at girls' butts and I couldn't feel more awkward. I was afraid someone would find out my secret.


I realised I needed someone to talk to, so I wouldn't feel so alone. I prayed to God to help me find someone to talk to, someone who would listen. That day one of my friends told me she was gay. I couldn't believe it. My prayer had been answered.


When I was on the bus after school that day I typed up a message pretty much telling her that I was gay. My hand paused before hitting the send button. I was still scared of being regretted, of being looked down on. She of course accepted me with open arms, and is always there when I need to talk. Maybe a month after I told my first person, I told a few people on the softball team. One of whom told the rest of them for me. They all accepted me with open arms.


I still haven't told some of my closest friends, because I'm scared of how they will react. Most of them are pretty religious, and I'm not sure how they will feel about it. My mom might know, but she might not, but I'm scared to tell her in person. My dad can be a homophobe sometimes so that kinda freaks me out. I just haven't reached the point where I can tell the people closest to me yet.